I wanted to share an excerpt from my journal from 6 years ago and another from today, so you can see what I mean. :)
1.12.06
"Where am I? Where is God in all of this? ...I’m scared to death. ...What can I do? How can I salvage my life? I am asking you, the Lord God Almighty, to take my life right now. Make it right. Make me useful. Change me into my real self, into what your plan was all along. Make your plan work through me, because I can’t stand being useless. I can’t stand these feelings of discontent and anger whenever I do anything. ...Change me now. Change me into what I should be, into what you want my to be. ...I want them to marvel at the change that they know you put in me. I know you can change me. I know you have the power to do absolutely anything. So change me. Shine through me, and in my life. Keep my mind on your thoughts. Keep me from being distracted. Bless me. Redo me. Change me into a picture of a daughter of God. Not for me. For you. Please, God. I need your help, and I need it right now. This very minute I need your grace on my life, so that these moments are fleeting glimpses, but so that my life is made up of one huge picture of the real thing. Because God, I sure feel fake right now. ...Be my guide, God. I have no idea where I’m going. Keep your right hand on my shoulder and your left hand over my big mouth."
12.19.10
"I’m simply amazed right now. I feel… the Spirit of the Lord. ...Wow, God, how am I functioning so much in who I am? I don’t even know how that’s happening. ...I feel like my spirit is coming back to life, that it’s waking up. I don’t know why now is the moment, but I feel more alive than I have in a very long time. I feel like I was “sleeping” ...and now I’m coming awake… did I pray for that? I needed it… it’s happening. And I know you know what you’re doing all the time, but I feel like you are quite suddenly answering prayers, and I feel like you don’t do that very often, like often I don’t even see the answers to the prayers, and these are really quick and obvious.
Well, Father, whatever is happening, whatever you’re doing, I pray that it would continue. Father, let your work keep happening in me. Allow me to see you and to know you and to know what you are wanting to do through me, and then allow me to walk that out. Allow me to do what you have planned, your will in my life and in others. Help me to keep realizing who I am and who you are in me and outside of me, and who others are so I can call out that destiny.
Thank you, God, that although you are Almighty, you are also a personal God who will speak to me in the areas of my life that are untouchable or unmeaningful to anyone else. Thank you that you take the time. ...I feel like I’m coming into my identity… It’s something you’ve been working in me for a long time and will continue to work. ...I feel like the world is continuing to turn but I suddenly woke up. Like everything will continue in a mechanical way and I just became a real functioning person. Father, I don’t know what happened, or what will happen tonight or tomorrow or during break, but don’t let me lose the view of you and of me and of others and of life that I have now. I want to just continue to want you more and to want to want you – because I need you and I know it.
Thank you, God. Thank you. You are glorious. You are King of kings and Lord of lords, and you are worthy of all the praise I can give you and all the praise I can’t."I'm happily surprised at how these prayers parallel each other but also how one is a continuance of the other...
Thank you, God, for continuing your work in my life. I know you will work until I am complete.
