Working Things Out

 

I had quite the day today.

I woke up knowing that it was going to be “quite the day”… but I didn’t know quite what sort of day it would be. I started classes again today, beginning the final semester of my undergrad career. Everyone was back on campus… but really, I need to start earlier than that.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, and I woke up this morning tired. I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, but I knew it was a bad idea, so instead, I grabbed my laptop and started praying (generally I type my prayers… it helps me stay focused and keep record of what’s happened in my life). I was saying to God that I’ve been feeling confused, that I don’t know what his will is or if I’m even supposed to know… everything has sort of felt like a mess lately. But if I can do nothing else, I just want to glorify him and honor him in everything I do and say. That was my goal for today.

So I left my house and started seeing friends and acquaintances and people I recognized all over the place. I LOVE that about my school, and about new semesters in general. It’s beautiful to see everyone I haven’t seen in so long, and to see the smiles on everyone’s faces (because no matter how much the kids complain leading up to the first day of class, their opposition can’t stand the test of seeing friendly faces they haven’t seen in a month, and walking around the familiarly secure campus on a sunny Wednesday morning.) It was a good morning.

At lunch, I went to the cafeteria (something I rarely do) with one of my best friends, and we met up with some of “the guys” there. [“The guys” make up a great majority of my wealth of friends at school. They’re great. Definitely still boys – I wouldn’t have it any other way – but they’re a safe place. They look out for each other and especially for the women, and I know I never need to worry when I’m with them. That doesn’t mean no teasing, but that’s part of the fun!] The guys spent lunch discussing football in impassioned voices while my girl-friend and I sat and listened. I think she doesn’t enjoy all that as well as I do, but I have fun listening to them all talk in excited voices. I think it’s just the passion I like; it’s contagious. At one point, I intimated that I’d like to understand the rules of football better, and immediately I was attacked by the crazed voices of four of the boys, alternately trying to explain and confuse me. (According to one of the boys, “That’s called a ‘sack'.’ It’s good for the defense, but bad for the offense.” He, of course, was referring to the game, but I felt just then that I understood a “sack” from personal experience.)

After some time, the conversation drifted to authority, submission, respect, honor, titles in the church… there was a bit of debate, but really not much. And after a bit, some conversation arose between one of the guys and me regarding a man’s and woman’s place in a marriage… ha. He said he’s looking for a “happy medium,” and he’ll know her when he sees her. That made me laugh.

I left a bit later and hung out for awhile with a couple of the guys. We shot some hoops on a door-back hoop in their dorm as we discussed what God’s been doing in our lives (especially over the break), and I thought about what an honor it is to be used by Him to do His will. I also enjoyed simply watching the guys engage with each other…

…which continued a bit later when I went down to the gym to meet up with a few of them and work out. I watched guys “spot” for each other, watching closely and helping when needed. I saw in those men a place of vulnerability: they don’t work out alone, but depend on each other, showing weakness openly when necessary, knowing that they won’t get in shape nearly as quickly (or safely) if they try to do it by themselves. It was amazing to me, to see how they worked together. Inspiring. I can’t explain the feeling that it gave me, but it reminded me of Aaron and Hur, in Exodus 17, when they held up Moses’ arms in the desert. (If you don’t know the story, check it out. It’s amazing.)

In between my observing, one of the guys – one of the most patient, protecting guys I’ve ever met – created a workout regimen for me, teaching me to do various exercises and use the different equipment, all the while watching out for me to make sure everything was ok. I can’t describe the feeling that brings, for someone like that to take time out of his own workout and help me (I who know fairly nothing about working out) and then for him to watch out for me and measure out the difficulty of each exercise based on what he knew I could and couldn’t handle. I felt so blessed and loved (and I know it’s GOD’s love that’s in him… not some strange ulterior motive).

So… I got home an hour or so ago and I’ve just been sitting, kind of soaking it all in. Just feeling good. My day went so ridiculously well… and I can’t imagine that that has nothing to do with my words and heart of dedication this morning, when I told my Father I simply wanted to honor him, even if I didn’t understand his will. He worked it all out.

Thank you, Daddy… Be glorified.

"Sleep..." or "The Lack Thereof"

I used to find sleeping simple. I'd tune into something interesting on the radio, put on a pair of comfortable pajamas, and crawl into bed. Generally, I'd be sleeping within 10 or so minutes. Things were so nice back then.

Come morning, I'd lay there in bed and longingly cling to the last remnants of a beautiful dreamy night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of a dream, and wondering what would have happened next, I'd will myself right back into dreamland. Ah... those were the days.

But here I am now, and I feel like I can't sleep to save my life.
How lame is that? I mean, what's changed? If I was stressed, I'd understand this feeling of sleeplessness. But I don't feel stressed at all. If I had struggled with longtime insomnia, I wouldn't complain. I'd be used to it by now. But... I haven't... so I am... because I'm not.

Argh! How frustrating. I'm sure you may know how I feel. And yes, this is all quite random, simply because these are the ramblings of a tired and somewhat confused brain. I've been trying to sleep for 4 hours now. Trying is the worst. But if you want to sleep, how do you not try?

So here I go... I'm gonna try again.
Goodnight! I hope...

Storms

Today as I sat barricaded behind two locked doors and listened as the most recent thunderstorm made its way over the house, I realized something: a drenching thunderstorm can seem exciting and even cozy when experiencing it in a warm house with someone close, but it is a frightening thing to face when you’re all alone in a big empty place that’s not your own.

You don’t need to ask the details, why I was barricading myself against a simple thunderstorm, or why I was in someone else’s big, empty house in the first place… those are things it would take too much unnecessary time and effort to explain. And anyway, that’s not the point.

Storms come along all the time, but sometimes you can’t see or hear them. Sometimes they are storms of confusion, anxiety, stress, or fear. Sometimes they paralyze your mind, and only very rarely your body. Small or large, storms are common to mankind. But any storm, regardless of its starting point or ferocity, is more fearful when experienced alone. When you’re by yourself, there is no comfort to be found, nothing warm to cling to, and a lack of assurance that “everything is going to be alright”.

Why, then, do we spend so much time alone, struggling against our storms, internalizing them and allowing them to hold us captive as we fight a losing battle against them? For example, I often find that I isolate myself as I fight such enemies as depression, or rejection. Why doesn’t my heart clue my brain in that isolation only makes these feelings worse, these battles harder to win? It should speak up, because although my brain tends to use ill-conceived logic based on cultural norms, my heart knows that I don’t have to fight alone. I have a strong knight on a white horse to do my fighting for me.

Yeah, yeah, so they always told you that the proverbial “knight in shining armor” is just a storybook character, a fairytale created by those who wish on stars and flee houses that look haunted. Well, let me inform you otherwise. Actually, let God. In Revelation 19 (verses11-16) he describes our Knight, who is mighty to save, who is stronger than any foe, and who can whip a storm into shape quicker than the wink of an eye. Let me enlighten you… and remember that this secret weapon is on our side.

“Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, [follow] him on white horses. From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has the name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.”

Frightening? Yes. More frightening than a storm? Most definitely. This Knight of ours is the Son of the Almighty, and everything is under his feet. You can no more stand up to him than an ant could stand up to a hurricane. But the good news is, you’re not meant to. If you are willing, he will draw you in to his band of brothers and sisters, and you will be victorious with him. Victorious against every storm, every enemy, and everything that sets itself against you.

It’s not easy, but it’s simple: Stand with him, and you’ll never fall to anything else. And yes, that includes every storm, both visible and not.

You may feel like your storm is too small for him to concern himself with. You may wonder if your fear of flight (or stress about school loans, or grief at the death of your kitty) is a big enough deal to bring up to the King of all creation. I understand exactly how you feel. I wonder those same things sometimes, myself. But let me assuage your doubts (and my own) with another quote from the Word.

“Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.”

That one is pretty straightforward and obvious. Give it all to him. Every anxiety, every stress, every doubt… every last storm. When you face them with him, he suddenly becomes the biggest thing in your line of sight… and everything else becomes nothing. You won’t even hear the thunder anymore.